The Saltwater Crocodile Date Package

April 12, 11

Steve Austin is bored on a layover in the Middle East after completing a tactical mission.  Noticing the perfect weather, he borrows some scuba gear which includes a frosty spear gun and a boss blue vacuum re-breather.

Any illustration with a re-breather gets my attention, especially when Steve cradles the croc like they are watching a Harry Potter movie together.

Princess Jasimina, obviously concerned in the background, was backstroking on a relaxing afternoon when brushed by a circling saltwater crocodile.

Out flashes the bowie knife to turn our croc friend into a Saudi fanny pack.  The fight is devastating, and Princess Jasimina is eventually impressed.  There is much crocodile-defeat-prompted lust shared on the white sand beaches.

Crocodile combat is an ordinary pre-date ritual for Steve Austin.  The rest of us circle a house in our cars for half an hour.

The Phantom Vs. The Pirate Gang

April 11, 11

Suffer the flash of The Phantom’s ring!  Real men have a seal of affiliation.  They stand for something, even if what they stand for continues to fail them.  They stamp their summary message into fleshy pirate cheekbones. 

A Colt pistol is a helpless device.  It might as well be a toaster.

This pirate is only shooting low flying chickens now.

Our pirate is shocked to be clocked, and the James Brolin beard framing perfect teeth are no shield for a rampaging fist.  Pirate gangs threaten, but a blue bodysuit stuffed with determination and topped with goggles  is a mighty foe. 

The sunburst firework background reminds us that even while blind, The Phantom deals with pirates.  Fire your blunderbuss like it’s the 4th of July.  A fist with a ring is heading your way.